


Dark Paradise

by Max72



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Get Together, M/M, Spoilers for A of S season one, serious injuries in the past.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-15 13:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2230440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Max72/pseuds/Max72
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Coulson was Skye's father, which made him the mysterious man looking at her photo in the chair, it also made him the monster that apparently destroyed a Chinese village.</p>
<p>But this isn't a story about father and daughter, this a story about a man that has ruled the universe for over a century. Phil Coulson has evolved, a man that is still curious about what happened to the love of his life, and lonely enough to travel back through time lines to ask for help from a former enemy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And there's no remedy for memory your face is, like a melody, it won't leave my head.

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been the love of my life for the first three chapters and then became increasingly harder! I really hope you enjoy!
> 
> I have to thank my beta, soniclipstick because without her this story won't be here!

  
[](http://tinypic.com?ref=m94oly)   


Raina breezed into the dimly lit room for the second time in her life; it was cold and damp just as she remembered. He sat with his back to her, if he was surprised by her entrance he didn't show it, he didn't even acknowledge it.He was usually up on his feet straight way. Raina thought little of it as she self-assuredly sauntered over to the small table that stood beside his chair.

"I know you thought you would never see me again but..." She placed the photo on the wooden surface beside him, "I found your daughter."

There was a long pause as he picked up the picture, "Of course you have," he said with a long suffering sigh, "I knew you couldn't resist meddling, my dear, how did you find out?"

"DNA, I took a sample last time," she looked innocently at him. 

"I would appreciate it if you would destroy that evidence now." He gave her a hard look, as she nodded, there was no way he would know of course and in all likelihood she wouldn't. He looked puzzled for a few seconds and then inquired, "Hold on, that doesn't make sense, my DNA, has changed. That's why Simmons never picked it up. The GH-325 changed it."

"I know, but once I guessed what I was looking for, similarities kept coming up."

"And how did you guess?" He questioned.

"Garrett gave me the hard drive from your plane. I started to go through it and got intrigued by some of information. It tied into a story I had heard about a village in China. So I asked Ward about it, but he didn't..."

Coulson made a sucking noise through his teeth as if he was biting into a bitter lemon, "You talked to Ward about this," the anger evident.

"Not about you," she recoiled as if scolded, "it wasn't until after I spoke to him about the girl, that I realised that there might be a connection between you, I remembered it mentioning a monster," she had the good grace to grimace at the words, "after our first meeting I could see what happened to you, that's when it struck me you could be Skye's father."

He gripped the photo she gave him between his shaking, decaying fingers, smiled wistfully at the face captured and whispered reverently, "Skye."

She tilted her head and swallowed as she watched the emotions play across his battered and bloody face. He hadn't gotten up because he probably couldn't, she tried not to wince in the face of his mutilation. It had taken her too long to respond to his call.

 

She winced not only at the deformed figure in her vision but because he had sat here waiting for her all this time not knowing if she would even turn up, "You should return, you’ve been here too long already. I'm sorry I couldn't get here faster," she said softly, genuinely concerned at his condition and half intrigued she would admit, as to how long he could continue in this downward spiral.

"I know," he conceded sadly, "Thank you for the photograph, it's something to keep me company," Raina's euphoria from having gotten one up on him disappeared quickly at the melancholy she heard in his voice.

"Will you tell me, about her? About the village?”

His lip curled slightly, but not in a smile, "Another time, perhaps."

She looked disappointed, “What do you want me to do now?” Pretending that finding his daughter had been a task he had given her, which of course, was ridiculous, he knew exactly who Skye was; otherwise he wouldn't have appeared in China all those years ago when she was a baby. She struggled with the concept of what she thought she knew of that encounter, the thing in front of her and the man he had once been.

"Just watch for me," he paused, and then seemingly changed his mind and said sternly, "Actually... please don't go anywhere near her, times will become hard enough for them, they will have to face the loss of everything they know soon enough."

"You found it hard?” she inquired.

He looked to the ground, "It was the end of the beginning," he said cryptically. 

It was clear he wasn’t going to say any more on the subject, so she tried for another touchy subject. "What's it like?” She asked in childlike wonder, tilting her head. She had, of course, witnessed a few seconds of it when they had first met in this very room. She wasn't sure she wanted that feeling again, immersing herself in the darkness had been the most terrifying and overwhelming thing that had ever happened to her, and it had been only a few moments, to live with that constantly must be… madness.

"What? Travelling through time? It's not time travel though, you know that."

"No, not that," she answered honestly, admittedly she would add that to her list of questions for later if she got the chance, so she said interested, "Although that has its fascination for me too."

"Ah," his face pulled into what was once a smile, "The universe, you want to know about the universe."

"It must be amazing to see and feel and to control everything around you." She said in awe. 

"Raina, child, do try and pull in your power hungry urges." He exhaled sharply, "It's not like that anyway, I don't see the everyday occurrences, Earth is but a pinprick in the corner of my eye, it holds..." He looked at her, "obviously it holds a larger place in my heart, otherwise why would I ask you to do these little things for me,” he smiled wistfully. 

Raina knew she was a fascinating creature, mostly to men, she still wondered however, why he had chosen her. It was possible that it was simply because she was one of only a few that hadn't automatically run from the sight he presented in this world, she could look him in the face without wincing (mostly). He must find it refreshing. He was acquainted with her streak of malevolence, and she guessed he thought he could harness it and turn it into good. It was a single minded streak he had endured from her himself, back when their relationship to each other had been in its infancy.

She pouted, "But... to command."

“I constantly wonder, you know,” he sighed, “if I got to you early enough, Raina?"

"I don't understand."

“Can you change?” 

"Who says I want to change?"

He wearily said, “You're young and impulsive with an insatiable desire for knowledge, it's dangerous Raina, it could lead you, probably already has, down a dark path. You must fight it, try to be better."

She didn't answer; she didn't have an answer. She just gave him her most innocent look and meekly said, "I asked him what I would become."

"Who?" He asked confused by the sudden change.

"The clairvoyant."

"There was no such thing," he countered angrily.

"I know, but after the formula, he could see."

"I suppose it was you," he made an effort to quirk an eyebrow annoyingly, but it just made the thick red blood pool and clot over the hair above his eye before trickling down the side of his face in a slow lethargic decent, "That injected him with that damn drug?" He accused.

He looked at her as she smiled shyly and nodded. She disappointed him she knew with her constant lack of remorse.

"We will talk about that at another time, rest assured.” He said harshly.

"Did you kill him?"

"Completely and utterly!" He smirked satisfactorily before realising he didn't like the reciprocal smile he got back from her, he continues, "Help me up, I need to return, this body is depleting quickly."

She reached over to help him, not quite sure where to touch him, she knew when he looked like this that he would be in pain. She could see the blood staining the shirt underneath the suit jacket in numerous places. She could do nothing but gently take his elbow. It was oddly gratifying to know that when he went back he would be restored and whole again. 

"What did he tell you?" He asked casually and brought his hand up to touch her face but sighed as he looked at his fingers and dropped them again.

"He told me I would be a monster." She said seriously then grinned.

His lips curled up into a grin of his own, "I will see you soon, my little monster, please don't get into any trouble."

Raina watched as he began to disappear, his final words whispered through her ears, haunting her. "You asked what it was like, Raina, it's lonely.So lonely.” She wanted to go to him and beg him to take her with him, but he wouldn't allow it, she knew. She didn't want to acknowledge the feelings that this man sent through her, an awareness that had always been alien to her. She was sure he would get a thrill out of that knowledge, that he had planted the seed of it in her, she had a frightening apprehension that it might be compassion.


	2. Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raina's first meeting.

Raina's phone pinged in her bag. She pulled it out expectantly. She had very few contacts on the phone, mostly suppliers of nefarious goods if she were honest. She went through the procedure to retrieve the text, but there was none, which meant she knew exactly who it was from and what it meant.

The only time a message had appeared had been the first time, a simple address.

That's when it had all started.

…

_Her curiosity had gotten the better of her, looking back, he must have known it would. She had knocked on the front door of some seedy looking motel, it had been answered by what Raina could only describe as henchmen.She knew the type well: in for the money, no questions asked. She had acquired the services of the exactly same breed herself, on more than one occasion. They hadn't even asked her who she was but had led her on without a word to dank dark room, which held little more than a chair and a small wooden table both of which was in second hand condition.She had been completely unaware that it was about to change her life forever and her perception of everything she thought she knew._

_At the time she had still official worked for Garrett, well there was no pension, yearly bonus or paid time off, but it worked for her, for the time being at least to throw her hand in with Garrett. Not the Clairvoyant, and admittedly that still riled her if she was being honest. But he had had all the toys she so liked to play with, which meant she hadn't complained too much. It had been before GH-325 coursed through his veins at her own hands, and before the man that had stood in front of her had blown him to kingdom come._

_As she had looked upon him for the first time after he had called, his appearance had looked identical to the one she had always known. Although, she would have to concede, he had looked a little older. He'd been dressed in what she was accustomed to seeing him in, a suit and tie. Outwardly he appeared no different but Raina could feel the power that now seemingly oozed from his every pore. This wasn't the man she had cajoled into the Theta machine; she had felt the static electricity bouncing off him from across the room._

_"Who are you?" She'd asked for the first time anxious about what she had walked into._

_"Who do you think I am," he had said back with a very familiar voice._

_"You're not Agent Coulson." Raina had said defiantly, knowing it as the truth._

_He hadn't denied it, "No, I'm not, not anymore anyway."_

_"So_ _who?"_

_He'd laughed. She had never heard Coulson laugh out loud before, and it had been thrilling in a goose bumps to the skin type of way until he said, "They say I'm a monster..." He had turned away from her, and said morosely, " You'll find out soon enough."_

_She hadn't understood the words until she had caught a movement on one of his hands, and she had watched in sickening fascination as a fissure had opened just above his knuckles and had oozed blood slowly. She'd looked up to his face horrified. "I'm sorry, it isn't pleasant to see," he had stated sadly._

_She had cocked her head in thought and stepped forward, taking the hand in hers and examining it without touching the wound. "Does it hurt?"_

_He had nodded, and she had swallowed, "Will there be more?" Again he had nodded._

_"More will appear the longer I stay," he stated staring blandly back as if it didn't involve him._

_She'd looked up with wide eyes, a look she used to manipulate a whole generation of men, but she had no doubt it wouldn't work on this one._

_"You want me to cure you, find the answers to this?" She had said waving her spare hand in the general direction of his hands. "That's why you called me?"_

_If she had sounded vaguely disappointed at the time, it would have been because basically she had been. She had only just found out about the so called Clairvoyant, who turned out to be nothing more than a desperate man that had wanted a cure for death. A cure, at the time, she had been very close to achieving, a little vial of life and so much more it had turned out, but the only one available. She still hadn't made up her mind at that point if he was truly worthy of it, but she had needed to test it on someone so giving it to him was as good as anyone. If it had killed him, so be it, if it didn't it would have secured her place for as long as she required it, which was useful, because at the time of this meeting Garrett had held all the cards. Or she had thought so until a text messaged address changed everything._

_Her disenchantment hadn't lasted long though as the man, or whatever he was had laughed, a bone deep laugh that had made her feel stupid, no she reassessed, not stupid, but like a child that had said something scandalous in complete innocence. It was reinforced by the fond smile he gave her, like a wise uncle imparting wisdom beyond her years._

_"No Raina, I don't need to be cured, I'm not ill. As soon as I go back I'll be myself again, as if I were never here and next time I come I'll start whole once again... odd really," he said looking down at himself and flinching._

_"Then what?" She hadn't been able to help the tremor that ran through her voice because there had been something dark and terrifying about the man standing in front of her. Not in a 'he could kill me with a single thought' way,but on a more basic level, he was something unfathomable._

_"I need..." He had seemly struggled to put into words what he wanted, for the first time his confident exterior slipping, as he'd fumbled through, "I... just a... I need a focus, to come to; you could help me with a few things I can't see."_

_It had been an odd turn of phrase, 'things I can't see', but she hadn't fully grasped it at the time._

_"Why? Why would I help you?" She had wrestled to understand, after everything she had done to him, he must surely have known who she worked with at the time. Why would he choose her?_

_He had stepped forward and smiled. He had looked for all the world like the Agent Coulson she had known, the one out there doing his best to thwart her at every turn, the Agent Coulson that fought a fight everybody else had given up on. She had presumed he was still out there at the time, unless this was in fact, him and he had what; turned evil, was dead, been changed into this, without them hearing of it? But he hadn't seemed evil, he'd still had those kind eyes, the charming smile, the quiet control, but something rolled beneath it too. Something out of time, incomplete._

_He had taken her hands in his, "Because you have a thirst that you can't ever quench." He'd cocked his head at her as if making his final assessment on what to tell her, "and I think you walk into fear, rather than run away from it, and I..." He had sighed and then had casually said, "Well, see for yourself." He'd looked deep into her eyes._

_She had jolted, as patterns, stars, planets and emptiness blinked and rolled through her brain. A blackness that wasn't dark, but light and open, in a way, that seemed impossible, but right. She had shuddered down to her very core as the touch froze the blood in her veins. She had felt like she couldn't breath and yet she was breathing for billions, past, present and future, pulling air in for bodies she hadn't even been aware had existed. Bodies unlike her own, and impossible to conceive. It had been like nothing and yet everything, a vastness she couldn't even begin to comprehend. He had pulled his hands away after only a few seconds and yet she had staggered back, shaking her head, her body shivering, her limbs had cramped around muscles that pulled tight and then relaxed, her eyes had been wide in horror. She had wanted to curl into a little ball and never come out again._

_He must have sensed her feelings or simply watched her body practically convulse round his touch because he had stepped back quietly, solemnly, disappointment had poured off him, "I'm sorry I shouldn't..." His voice had held as much dismay as her body._

_She'd looked at him, really looked, and gasped, he had looked so weary, and tired standing beside her. She, for the first time in her life, had had an overwhelming desire to help in any way she could, her brain had screamed resistance but she had been hypnotised by the being before her! "No, it's...no," her mind reeled. She had found herself at a loss for words, it may have been the first time in her life._

_"I need to return, I'm sorry."_

_"Wait!" She'd stepped forward, "What does it mean?"_

_He had cocked his head as if he thought she should have known. "It means everything, absolutely everything. If you..." He'd seemed unsure, "If you want to meet again, I'll send you a message."_

_She had nodded her head, even as he'd said, "You don't have to...I'll understand if you choose not to come again. It might be wise to forget this meeting altogether. Don't make you mind up yet, think about it." He had smiled insecurely. She had watched in yet more shock as he simply started to fade away. His last words had echoed round her head, "You won't think of telling anyone, Raina, will you? Nobody will ever believe you anyway," he had laughed bitterly, and then he had seriously said, nearly transparent by then, "Oh and Raina, get away from Garrett, any way you can, he is using you, he brainwashed you in that machine."_

_And then he was gone. Simply gone!_

_She had sat heavily on the edge of the chair he had vacated, her legs unable to hold her for another second. She'd needed to pull her racing mind back together again._

_She hadn't been sure how long she had sat there before she had gotten up to return to the status seeking Garrett and his lackey Ward, she hadn't wanted to think about the pang she felt for Coulson now at Ward's betrayal. And back to Quinn, who was an idiot, full of his own self-importance, when all he was was a second rate crook, but he might have had his uses in the future, so she hadn't ignored him._

_She was a scientist at heart though and as she stood she noticed a hair clinging to the back of the seat. It wasn't one of her own, she opened her purse and took out a plastic bag._

...

The ghost of a man that had appeared to her that first time had been right. Her time with Garrett had been coming to an end. She hadn't wanted to be around when they came for him because she knew they would try (at least) to stop him. She loved chaos but he was just too mad to leave walking the Earth. When she had injected him with GH325, the similarities between the two men had been startlingly clear. Her admiration for Coulson had reached new heights when she understood how he managed to control what Garrett had been consumed by.

Garrett and his flunkies seemed so petty in comparison to what she had now witnessed. She wondered again and again, why he had confided her with this, it worried her, was he so all-powerful that he need not worry what she could do with the information? Or more terrifying to her, did he trust her to do the right thing because she was starting to want to do just that.

He - Coulson - (she still wasn't entirely sure what to call him), he had been right, of course, she had no intention of telling anyone about him, or what she had found out about the matching DNA. She wanted nothing more than to keep this all to herself and the man that had appeared to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks for the kudos and comments, they are all appreciated.


	3. There's no release, I feel you in my dreams.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raina pushes to find out what Phil really wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm being generous and giving you an extra chapter this weekend!

The dress, he noted, was blue today with delicate white flowers running around the fabric. It hugged her body in a way that would probably send many a man's and woman's, he imagined, pulse racing, and left him wishing she would lengthen it at the knee in a far too paternal way. He stood, as he always did and was a little surprised when she rushed over to him and hugged him. Later she wouldn't know where to touch him, which part of him that won't be raw and open, but she had arrived quickly this time around, and he was thankful for it.He didn't enjoy watching and feeling his body wither and die before him. Perhaps he could get away before the blood started to run today.

He never truly died of course, ever, it seemed, he was still a little pissed about that, he had been cheated out of death yet again, he was a never ending story of resurrection.

She hid her face in his neck, "You're back."

"It's only been a few days!" He said with a frown.

"I know," she breathed softly, "It's good though. I always miss you."

"You barely know me Raina." He sighed, he wasn't sure if this childlike act was part of her or just a well honed persona she put on. The big wide innocent eyes had sunk many a man, and they weren't helping him much because he couldn't help warming to her despite everything he knew of her and what villainous thoughtlessness ran through her very core.

She looked down sadly, "I'm sorry, I just... You... You're the first person that has treated me..."

He ran his fingers up her arm, at the sound of vulnerability she let escape, "Well that's not right, is it." He stepped away from her but caught her eye as he inquired, as if she were a child, "Have you been good?"

She nodded her head in response.

"Hmm, don't lie to me Raina." He took the sting out of the words by lifting the edge of his lips in a small smile.

She swallowed. "I..."

"You forget I have lived it all before."

"I need to understand," she looked him up and down, "what is this? Where do you fit in? What..."

"Am I?" He finished for her, and waited until she nodded her head.

He walked over to the large multi panelled window; the light that came through had a sickening yellow quality, it lit the room in defused glow like a dirty lampshade, it was far too dirty to make out anything on the outside or for anyone to equally see in. He brought his finger up and rubbed at a patch, grimacing when he discovered it was more grease than dirt and smudged rather than cleaned, he rubbed at the finger with his other hand in distaste.

He started to speak facing away looking out the window as if he could see the world passing by. "Imagine a rope with billions of strands that all represent a particular timeline, they all weave into each other to make up a planet. Some planets are older than others, so some ropes are thicker than others. Then those ropes entwine into galaxies and galaxies into a universe. The thread that made up my own timeline wasn't difficult to find, it pulsated and vibrated under my fingers. I had to choose a point at which to enter, and once I did, I had to follow that line, play it out in real time so to speak. I only have this one opportunity, I can't go back again."

As she spoke, he turned back to look at her, and saw her eyes were as wide as saucers, "So you choose to step in when Skye needed you, when she was a baby."

He nodded, then winced, "Sort of, it wasn't quite as accurate as stepping straight in, I was about twenty years too early."

She frowned as if she was trying to make sense out of it all. "So you stepped back in time and have been waiting, what, forty odd years to get to this point?"

He shrugged, "I'm a little busy in between visits," he smiled softly.

She drew in a breath, "But... How long have you, when you first evolved, how long has it been for you?"

He turned back to the window, and softly replied, "A century or so." He heard her startled cry.

He felt her hand touch his shoulder, he should be pleased, a show of compassion, it was an encouraging step for her. But he didn't want it.

"All that time on your own?" She questioned softly.

He closed his eyes, "Like I said, I've been busy, too busy to..." He didn't finish, he didn't believe the words even as they came out of his own mouth, no reason to think she would be fooled either.

"Couldn't you..." She came around to his side, to look him in the face, "take someone back with you."

He laughed, "Who would want to? I can't take someone back to live a life, not even a life, an eternity, of solitude like me."

"With you," she corrected, "And I would, you could take me," she placed her small hand on his arm. She scowled at him when he laughed out loud.

"No Raina," he said once he stopped laughing, "You would enjoy a bit of roaming and exploring for a while I'm sure, but there is no going back, and my connection to this world is coming to an end, soon the thread will be beyond my reach."

"Because you didn't live through it?" She queried. He nodded, as she tried again to persuade him, "I could..."

He interrupted, "My dear, do you believe that I would trust you to walk among the galaxies where a careless touch can destroy a world," her eyes betrayed how much the idea appealed and made him realise how right he was, "Honestly?"

She pouted, and then her lips turned into that wicked smile, and she cocked her head.

"The Cellist?" She suggested.

He snorted, "No."

"She loved you, if you asked."

"No." He said with no doubt.

"Why not? You loved her, didn't you?" She challenged.

"I... I appreciated her." He said carefully.

Raina's eyes narrowed, and she frowned, that obviously wasn't what she expected. 

Phil felt compelled to continue, "I loved her in a way but she was..." He struggled for the right words, "A distraction."

"A distraction?" She questioned, and the went on to answer it for him, "from what you really wanted?"

He nodded curtly, looked up and said, "From what I couldn't have," the bitterness still clear in his voice after all this time.

"Why?"

"Because S.H.I.E.L.D didn't look kindly on handlers having relationships with people under their command."

" I could bring her here for you. This could be your opportunity," she insisted.

"It's too late," he sighed.

"Give me a name. I can find them," she argued.

He shook his head sadly. 

"A name! Let me see if I can find them," she said and started rummaging around the bag she brought in with her, pulling out a pen and pad, holding it out to him, "if I find her you can decide what you want to do."

He looked down at the paper she held out, and then looked up at her, his eyes darted back and forth, looking for some advantage she was trying to play. He sighed and took the paper and pen offered. He quickly wrote the name and ripped the page from the pad folding it in half blocking out the name once again.

"You promise me, in the unlikely event you do find them, that you will do nothing?" He demanded.

She nodded her head, and then answered out loud when he just stared her down, "I promise."

He ran his thumb over the piece of paper as if it were a precious gift and then stuck it out to her, and as she took it, he walked behind her. 

She looked down at the white page still folded and treated it with the same respect the man that had written it did. She unfolded it slowly, looking down at the name etched upon it. She frowned. "Clint Barton," she queried, she had obviously not expected that, and then the other shoe dropped as she exclaimed, "but that's... Barton, that's Hawkeye?" She looked up sharply to interrogate the older man, but ended up looking wildly around the room for him. He was gone. She looked back down at the paper, refolded it and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is all making sense to you!


	4. Even though you're not here, I won't move on.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raina has disappointing news.

Raina was uncomfortable walking into their room today. She had winced when the text had come through, it was too soon. For the first time, she found herself reluctant to visit. Nevertheless she didn't delay, she knew the consequences for the man she was visiting if she did. Even for her, who had long gone past being squeamish about the human body, she would admit, she didn't much enjoy being present as his flesh betrayed him.

She walked into a familiar scene, his hands were resting on the arms of the ridiculously low bucket chair that adorned the bare grimy room. He sat facing the window the back of his head the only part visible to any visitors. Not that he had visitors, apart from her. Well, she didn't think he did?

He had missed her entry but as the door clicked shut he cocked his head towards the sound and was on his feet straight away his body elegantly rising in a swift motion. 

He smiled nervously at her, she could read the hopefulness that bubbled beneath the smile, and she felt disappointed in herself all over again. Not that she could have done more.

"Hello Raina," his voice was soft and velvety just as she remembered, his face open and encouraging. It had been three weeks since his last visit, in that time she had poured all her resources into what he had entrusted her with. When he had handed over the name to her on the last visit it had taken her by surprise, unexpected, in that he had even done it, and a revelation in the name that had been revealed. She had miscalculated in what she thought she knew of him, because yes, it had been a curve ball that the name was male. She had presumed after the Cellist that it would be female. More astonishing was the name itself, not only a member of S.H.I.E.L.D but an Avenger to boot.

She answered his greeting rather coolly, "Coulson."

His smile faulted at her tone, as if he knew what was coming. "I'm sorry," she said, and she was, it hurt to say it. What that feeling meant she wasn't prepared to contemplate anytime soon because she had never felt drawn to someone like Coulson before, engaged, in a way, that involved no gain for herself. She found herself wanting to please. So it was with no pleasure that she said trying to keep any emotion out of her voice, "I haven't been able to find him."

He nodded in understanding, but his eyes seemed to dull before her. She had pushed him into this idea of seeking out the man he loved once more and now she was letting him down. There was an old expression for it, she felt like a 'heel.'

And he, he was terribly reasonable and nice about it, "It's okay," he smiled gently at her, he was trying to ease her guilt she knew. "Thank you for trying."

He sounded so final, she quickly replied, for some reason not wanting him to give up, "No wait, I'm still looking, it's still possible for me to find him."

He nodded, but his eyes drifted away, and he turned away from her in defeat. He walked over to the metal shelf that was by the door, looking over the contents, more Raina suspected, so he wouldn't have to look at her. His voice was quiet and despondent when he spoke, "I looked too, at the time," he chuckled without mirth as he corrected, "now I guess, your time, when I was just Agent... " he said turning slightly to her, raising his eyes, his lips turning upwards, as he corrected himself again, "Director Coulson". He turned away from her again any amusement gone quickly from his voice again, "I didn't find him either, so don't feel bad."

"He's not been seen since S.H.I.E.L.D fell," she watched as his hand fisted, and instantly reworded it, "since it's change in management."

He snorted at her words, "Diplomatic doesn't suit you, Raina."

"He didn't reassemble for the Avengers last time they were called," She informed him. 

"I know."

"You knew the Avengers," she said unsurely, oddly not comfortable questioning him like this. "Did you ask them?"

His head fell between his shoulder blades for a few seconds before he straightened and turned, walking swiftly away from the shelf to middle of the room, his voice firm when he spoke again. "The Avengers were never aware that I survived."

She frowned, "Even after you became Director?"

"Yes," he said stiffly, "It was too late for mending fences. I followed the line when Fury was in charge, I had my instructions and that was not to tell them of my existence. So I didn't."

"Why couldn't they be told?"

He smirked, "I believe they were concerned about the effects that GH-325 would have on me, they didn't trust me. Ironic don't you think? I was fine the whole time they were worried about me, and then they handed the keys of S.H.I.E.L.D over to me, and I started," he held his arms out, "this. Garrett awakened something in me, starting with the hypergraphia."

"I saw that with Garrett."

He nodded. "I'd like to think I was a little less crazy, looney tunes than him though," he teased. "At the time at least."

She smiled to see some of the light come back into his eyes. 

"You have no idea how amazing you are, do you?" She blurted out. He cocked his head slightly at her words, one side of his lips turning up in amusement and then he frowned.

"I'm not special Raina, I'm just a guy doing a job, that needs doing."

She threw up her hands, she wasn't one for grand gesticulation it made Coulson step back, "A job! My god, a job, seriously? For all I know you are on first name basis with God." He laughed at the thought.

She raised her brow at him, and questioned, "Do you have to do it, this job, as you call it?"

His head tilted, "I... no, I would be replaced, if I choose to give it up."

"You have done it for over a century, do you plan to give it up?"

"No," he said quickly. 

"Why?"

"Because... anyone can be called, I realised, if we hadn't stopped Garrett, it could have been him. The idea is more than enough to keep me there."

"It could have been Skye?"

"Yes. It should have been the guest house alien, it was then destined to be Garrett, thankfully for the universe that hadn't happened, so now it was Phil and it could have been Skye. Phil had insured it wouldn't be by keeping going, it wasn't something he wanted for her. He could probably keep going forever if the loneliness didn't kill him. 

"So you sacrifice your own happiness," Raina surmised.

"Don't be dramatic, I'd be dead if I weren't doing this," he said, annoyance creeping into his tone.

"Does death scare you?" She persisted, her head tilting in question, but she didn't let him answer and continued, "I don't think so, I think you have craved it ever since you died the first time. So don't tell me you aren't amazing. You have given up your chance for rest and peace, for humankind at least, for the universe as a whole."

He grimaced and said angrily, "That's foolish."

"You're a hero."

"No!" He swivelled round raising his finger at her, "no, don't you dare make me out to be some sort of martyr." His voice growing in volume as he went on, face animated in a thousand moving parts that only ever get a work out when he was angry enough to let them go, every syllable shaped as they left his puckered lips. "You have no idea, there's not a moment that I don't resent having to do this. All my life I have had to toe the line for duty! Been the Yes Man, I hate it." His face grew red and yet pale at the same time as he spat the words out, "I hate it. Being alone, when do I get something back," his voice changing in tone as he almost whimpered, "When? You tell me!"

Raina was paralysed as she witnessed for the second time in their short acquaintance, tears, tears that filled his eyes, but unlike the last time, nothing would stop them falling.

She found herself horrified by the turn of events, how had it spiralled to this, she had been trying to compliment him, a man she was fast beginning to admire but instead she was now dumbly watching as he fell apart in front of her, staring as tears tracked down his face and pooled before dripping off his chin. He swiped at them angrily with his hand, turning away, as he often did when he wanted to hide his emotions, it was pitifully late for that, but he walked over to the window and leaned heavily against the frame. 

She could do nothing, she was not well equipped to deal with such emotions, any emotions in fact, his or her own, she wearily observed as his shoulders heaved with every breath he took. Should she reach out, would he accept it?She found herself afraid, afraid that he would take the comfort and even more so that he wouldn't. She wondered if this was how little girls felt when they saw their Daddy cry for the first time. Raina found herself in envy of Skye in a way she would never have thought possible, she had never known her father, neither would Skye really, but she had had a precious amount of time with him even if she didn't realise it. Raina was well aware that the bond ran deep between them, and although Skye would never get the chance to call him by his proper title, she had experience everything else, everything he had to give a daughter. She had told Deathlock that she and Skye shared a connection, she had said it gleefully with the knowledge she carried, information that she would never share, it was soon after she had come here for the first time, that connection was, of course, Coulson himself.

She had never cried for another living being in her life... until now. She didn't try and rub the tears away, they made her feel human.

"I'm sorry," his voice sounded utterly wrecked, devoid of the fierce passion of a few seconds before, dead of emotions, spent. "It's all just a fantasy, he deserves better than this, better than me anyway," he whispered as if to himself. The muscles in his face now barely acknowledging words have been formed. The jaw jutting out tensely.

Bereft of what to say in the shadow of his despair, Raina simply stood in silence and realised that Skye would know what to do in this situation. She would be a good daughter.


	5. I don't want to wake up from this tonight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of the Chinese Village and a desperate father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember this chapter being a nightmare for both writer and beta reader, so thank you Soniclipstick, for getting me through it!

It was an unbearably hot day when her phone finally bleeped with the message she had been waiting for. The temperatures had, in fact, been soaring for the last five weeks since she had seen him, even today there had been a slight breeze in the air and Raina's short-sleeved floral dress did little to help with the repressive heat. She had waited with baited breath every time a message came through, which was surprisingly often, but always felt a distinct disappointment every time it wasn't him. 

Now that he had got in touch she felt a deep-seated relief which was all wrong for the super villain look she was going for! Raina had been through the whole gambit of emotions in those weeks. She'd admit to coming away from their last meeting in turmoil; it wasn't something that she'd wanted and her immediate resolve had been to back away. Even if she had gotten surprisingly drawn to their illicit meetings, the man himself intrigued her, he had from their first meeting before his change. She had sensed the goodness in him that now must be what drove him on despite the loneliness.

If Raina were honest, she hadn't been entirely convinced that he would ever get in touch again, perhaps that was the real reason for her thinking about distancing herself, she was hardening her heart for the inevitable fall. She was being realistic. She wasn't made for all these feelings, and she never really experienced them before. She wanted to hate him for awaking this inside her, she had been perfectly content without a conscience. As the time eked out however, she found the resoluteness fading and the desire for him to call more and more important to her. 

Was this an epiphany? Had he fundamentally changed her? Could this be a turning point in her whole life?

She hated the answers to all the questions, whether they were to be of the positive or the negative.

Within minutes of his number flashing across her phone she was rushing out the door, grabbing the folder off of her small coffee table, joy bubbling up in her body in a way she despised beyond measure. She tried not to think about the news she had to deliver.

The bouncer had long since allowed her to make her own way to the room he frequented, simply waving her through with a nod of his head, she still had no evidence that any of them could actually speak! As she made her way past numerous rooms that made up this dingy place, she knew that it was exactly the type of place that contained residents that probably were much more evil and nefarious in nature than the one she was visiting. They were poles apart from the shining bright star held inside the room she stood before now. She used the word 'held' because he must surely be as much of a prisoner as any convict, not daring to go out into the light to be seen as everything the human race feared whether in appearance or in the power he wielded over them. The unknown was ill received in this world, it played into the basic fears every human had within themselves. Even as he fought with his every breath to keep this small pinprick of life among the stars revolving and humankind evolving.

She knocked and walked straight in; he wasn't sitting in his usual chair, instead standing already in side profile to her, looking out that grimy window. Someone had wiped a small peephole clean for him. She felt grateful to whoever had done it. She quietly laid the folder on the table near his chair

When he spoke, his voice was calm in a way it had lacked at the end of their last meeting, "People are so amazing, they live their lives in an enclosed bubble; very few want to break out, they are contented to surround themselves in their own dramas and joys." He sighed, "I suppose it's for the best... if they 'really' understood what was out there they would live in fear and cower before it."

"Before you?"

He turned in surprise at the words, puzzled, "Me?"

"Is there anything as terrifying as the power you command?" She looked him straight in the eye confidently.

He shrugged his shoulders without much effort, lacking any obvious emotion, "I told you, it's not like that, I don't command, the universe rules itself; I merely try and throw water on the hot spots, and smooth things over."

"And what about the damage you can do on Earth?" She wasn't sure why she kept goading him, apart for the desire for answers. He stood in this stiflingly hot room in his buttoned up suit, white shirt and tie, not an ounce of sweat visible on his face, perhaps he simply didn't have those bodily functions anymore. She found herself irked as she felt the dampness on her own body. All she wanted was to throw that damn grimy window he found so fascinating open and let the air flow through, but, of course, there was no handle. He still bled though, profusely, the tell tale signs were already starting to peek out under the left hand lapel of his jacket, visibly spotting onto the white shirt.

"You mean from this room spying out the window? I'm not exactly a danger to humanity! Even if you count the immense amount of sulking I can do up here!"

She didn't let up though, "You haven't always been in this room though have you?"

He frowned at her persistence, "China? You always come back to China don't you."

"You won't tell me what happened?" She shrugged her shoulders, "from the reports I have, you went wild!"

"What reports? There aren't any firsthand accounts from the teams that went in, the enemy were thought all to be dead."

"At your hand."

"No!" He spun round, "No, that's not what happened. Don't rely on rumour and hearsay," he said, an irritated tone entering his voice for the first time.

"Then tell me."

He sighed as if he could see no alternative, "Why do you think I went back, to that time?"

"To save Skye," she said obviously.

He pushed, "Yes but why, if it was such an innocent Chinese village?"

"I don't know?"

He looked to the floor, scuffing his shoe at an imaginary lint and started talking almost under his breath, "There was no rural village full of innocent victims, it was a front, for a state of art S.H.I.E.L.D facility underground, a small one containing roughly 15 people. The village above was made up of Chinese heavies there to protect what happened underneath, but the thing is they weren't employed by us." 

It didn't go unnoticed by her that he still connected himself with S.H.I.E.L.D.

"That was what aroused suspicion in the first place," he continued, "It appeared that they had been put in place by a different organisation, one that didn't have a name at the time, one that had been thought long dead."

"HYDRA," she answered.

He grimaced and nodded, "Turns out a friend of yours was stationed there at one time." 

"Garrett?" He nodded once again.

The next words looked like they were being forced out of him under duress. "Skye's mother," he paused, his eyes narrowed slightly, "She... it was a onetime thing... I hesitate to say mistake, but we both agreed, we weren't well suited, we had been lonely and that about summed up what we had in common. She was posted overseas shortly after, I now know it was China, but at the time I had no idea and to be honest I didn't much care. It was no wild romance, not even a wild fling, simply a one night stand, comfort sex nothing more than that, on both our parts."

He looked at Raina worriedly, it was as thought he thought she might challenge him for his past misdemeanour but considering Raina's past transgressions she wasn't likely to complain. "I had no idea she was pregnant. That was it, as far as I was concerned until I got a damn text message informing me I was a father! A text message!" He sounded bitter, even after all these years. "I would have..." He shook his head dropping that line immediately and continued on a less personal note.

"I tried to get in touch but there was nothing, no answer, I searched for her, but at the time I was just a level two operative, in an organisation that could keep damn good secrets. I knew nothing of the operation in China. I never did until we started to investigate Skye's parentage. Even then I didn't connect the two."

"When did you know, that she was your daughter?" Raina asked softly in that voice she used to pry information out of her victims rather than the traditional flicking off of fingernails. It worked, she knew it did, it had worked on him once already, although at the time, to be fair, he had been desperately seeking answers about himself and was rather broken. She had used that, like she used everything to her advantage.

Seemingly lost in his own thoughts, it took a few seconds for him to turn and question, ”Hmm?” 

"When did you know about Skye? That she was yours?"

"Oh, not until..." He stopped abruptly.

"Until?" She didn't want to be impatient but...

"Too late, not until," he gave her a forlorn look, "I guess until I wasn't really here anymore. I could suddenly see everything that made up the universe, the strings that pull us all together. Mine led directly to her," he smiled sadly as if it was wonderful and painful at the same time. "It was then that I truly understood for the first time, what was happening to me and what I would become, and I knew I didn't want that responsibility for her."

She asked the question that the melancholic smile gave away, "She never knew?"

"No."

Raina wanted to ask why but her need to understand what had happened at the very beginning of Skye's life outweighed that, she steered it back to the village. It had always been the thing that fascinated her.

"So you travel back to save Skye, I mean, how is that even possible?"

He shrugged his shoulders; a lop sided grin on his face for a few seconds. "How is any of it possible, talking to you here while I'm still out there somewhere being Director of S.H.I.E.L.D? Skye turns up on the first case we look into after my death? She just drops into my life, and although I had no idea, no idea at all, she became the daughter I never had, the daughter I never knew. What is it, fate? A miracle? Honestly I don't know."

"But how can you go back in time and save something that goes on to have a huge bearing in your life again," she frowned in puzzlement.

Coulson held his arms out and wrinkled his nose up, "I don't know, I guess it’s the common dilemma, what came first, the chicken or the egg, it’s the question that spans every generation."

She let out a high-pitched laugh that was entirely natural opposed to most of the well calculated things she usually said and did. "You blind me with such a scientific explanation!"

He smirked, "I think I already did that when I showed you what I was." He tempered, "What it was like for me."

She sobered immediately, yes, that was something she wasn't likely to forget anytime soon. She still had the blackness and threads weaving and pulsating in her dreams, maybe nightmares because it wasn't pleasant to have so much crammed into her brain, and it was only a ghost of knowledge, a mirage, a memory. Nothing in comparison to what he carried.

He resumed, ignoring her moment of silence, "When I became Director, I suddenly had access to files that had been buried so deep that they probably hadn't seen the light of day since the moment they were filed. S.H.I.E.L.D's deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets," he said with distaste, "things that wouldn’t appear on any mainframe, projects, operations that never became public knowledge, a few extra specials that were handed down from one Director to the next. A base that had been infiltrated by the enemy so completely, to the embarrassment of those in charge at the time, was one of those, shortsighted to the extreme, maybe if it had been investigated more thoroughly at that stage the HYDRA threat might have been nipped in the bud."

Considering the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D happened a century ago for him, he still seemed very bitter, reliving the time again. Raina could only imagine the pain it must have caused at the time. Well, right now, of course, he was the one out of time, not her, it had only just happened and frankly it left all sorts of opportunities for a woman with her skill set. She wondered briefly about whether she could get a look at the new Director of S.H.I.E.L.D without getting herself into trouble. She felt a terrible draw to see how he was coping, but it was too big a risk and made her feel slightly weird and oddly disrespectful to this one in front of her.

She considered all that as he made his way over to the chair and sat down tiredly. He had pulled his tie to one side, loosening it; it only had the undesired effect of drawing more attention to the spreading stain across his chest. "The two teams that Richard Lumley was a part of," he continued, "weren't actually the first teams that went in there. S.H.I.E.L.D being S.H.I.E.L.D had only supplied the second wave with the basic 'need to know' information, that didn't include bases or teams that had already infiltrated the base. They were basically an extraction team made up of agents barely out of the academy. No, a small covert team of specialists were the first in, but unfortunately they walked into a death trap, by the time they had removed the village above they were well prepared below. When they called in the 0-8-4 the other team split into two, and one went into the village while the other waited for the clean up."

"0-8-4, the baby."

"That's where the confusion started. It could have only been a misheard communication, the actual report should have been a 0-8-4 and a baby."

Raina frowned, "You? Were you already there? The 0-8-4 was you?"

He nodded, "I followed the specialists in, I couldn't get there any earlier, I made a mistake with my timings." He grimaced, "I arrived a bit later than I'd planned, and then needed to wait," his fingers clenched into a fist, again and again, as he sat with his arms resting on the wings, deep in thought. He continued, "I had to wait, I couldn't risk being recognised. By the time I had," he waved his hand over his body indicating himself, "changed enough, everything had already gone to hell, my only thought was to find Skye."

He looked down at his hands, now slowly dripping with blood, swallowing as if his throat was dry, he persisted, "Especially so when I passed the body of her mother, she'd been shot," he looked across the room sorrowfully, "she was already gone. I never did know where her alliance lay."

Coulson's voice gained strength as it progressed, "I found Skye, it was almost like I had this sense of exactly where she was." He smiled in remembrance and looked Raina in the eye briefly, "she was still fast asleep in her cot."

"So you took her?"

"No," he shook his head, "I waited, I honestly didn't want to be involved in the fighting, I had no idea as to how it would change things. I'd hoped just to hide out with her until it was all over. Then get her to safety somehow, but one of the specialists came in, that's when the 0-8-4 call went out; I had studied the reports there were pictures on file of all the teams that went in, I knew he was S.H.I.E.L.D rather than HYDRA memorised them all so I would know who was friend or foe." 

The sound of a knock on the door stopped his monologue. Raina eye's flicked from him to the door and back to him again in fear. 

"Answer that will you," he asked nonchalantly.

She walked hesitantly towards the closed door. Nobody had ever knocked before, and it raised the hackles on her neck in suspicion. Still Coulson was as cool as a cucumber so she turned the handle.

The sight that met her was extreme, to say the least. One of the door henchmen stood before her holding a silver tray with a delicate china teapot, two cups and saucers each with a teaspoon resting next to them, a small jug with what Raina could only imagine held milk and a little dish with a heap of sugar cubes plus a pair of sugar tongs! He held it out to her with his tattooed arms muscles bulging, as if it was entirely normal, as she took it he nodded his head and pulled the door too again with a gentle click. She stood stunned for a second just looking down at the immaculately laid tray. 

"Ah, great, put it on the table will you," she turned to look at him as he spoke, his head looking round the corner of the chair. "I thought it would be nice today, it's a little warm."

She placed the tray down smoothly barely rattling the china. He immediately leaned over and started to pour, "Milk? Sugar?" He asked blandly. Raina stood dumbly as he went along calmly as if he hadn't just been in the middle of his violent tale and that his own blood didn't smear across the handle of everything he touched.

He looked up at her, waiting for the reply.

"Milk, no sugar," she mumbled.

"Good, just how I like it too," he smiled at her, the china tinkling as he stirred the hot liquid with one of the tiny silver spoons before placing it at the side of the exquisitely decorated teacup and handed it over to her. All she needed now was an armchair! They sipped elegantly out of the bone china and remained silent for a time.

It was an odd interlude, but it didn't last long as he laid his empty cup back on the tray.

"He shot me on sight, of course, couldn't say I blamed him! I told, well ranted at him which didn't help my cause, that she was my daughter and that I wanted him to get her to safety. But he was faced with a bloody monster, and a human child. It was a mistake, we were overheard you see, two HYDRA agents burst in, I took another couple of bullets to protect the agent and Skye, pushing my body in front of them, it gave the agent the opportunity to shoot them, I didn't check if they were dead, I should have. That probably cost Avery and several others that worked on that team their lives. And put Skye on the run for half of her life without her even realising it." He looked down sadly. 

"Anyway, my protecting him and the baby from the two goons seemed to help, and we came to an understanding of sorts, so I carried Skye out of the base, him following, gun clearly pointing at my back. I was slow, and I had numerous bullet holes in me by then and I knew I would need to return quickly before my energy depleted, and I couldn't make it back." 

He took a few seconds for himself, his eyes staring out into nothing before he closed them. It didn't take much to be back there, the sounds and smells of blood and death as the bullets flew through the air. One barely missed him as he stepped out of the base, he could feel the air disperse around the projectile, the ever so slight breeze that disturbed a few hairs on his head and the whine that reached his ears after the metal encased gunpowder had already passed. The wounds he had bled with equal slowness with the rest of his ugly apparition. They had slowed him down but wouldn't kill, a head shot surely would have and as much as the idea abhorred him, he needed to think bigger than a S.H.E.I.L.D op that was going bad. The agent behind him seemed to think so too or maybe he was evening the score because he pushed Coulson down into relative cover, and took a good position for himself, his gun blazing out with striking accuracy. 

He took a few seconds to look out into the Chinese landscape beyond the gunfight, the few carefully and deliberately designed battered buildings did nothing to distract from the beautiful lush green fields and tranquil still waters that flowed as far as the eye could see. It all gave way to the ugliness of the sounds of death and destruction. 

What was left of the HYDRA agents had decided to make a stand of it outside but the first extraction team had already been called in. They seemed woefully underprepared though and what should have been a mop up had turned into a full-scale battle. Far too many of them were getting picked off by a well organised enemy. If it had been one of his ops, he would have been ashamed at the level of incompetency, but then if it had been one of his it wouldn't have happened like this in the first place. It was a needless loss of life in the face of bad planning and lack of insight. The numbers of dead falling around him increased, and he held the sleeping baby in his arms concentrating on listening to her small muffled snorts and fussing rather than fall of bodies on the ground. He wasn't scared of death, after all he had an intimate relationship with it, but for a better turn of phrase he had a higher purpose, he couldn't interfere as much as he wanted to. His only other thought was to protect his child.

Nevertheless he couldn't help the small cry that came out of him when the agent he had escaped the concrete corridors with took a direct hit to the head and blood splattered on the wall next to him, for a change it wasn't his own. He looked down at the gun that had clattered to the ground. He reached out and just as he was about to take it, the sounds stopped. 

An eerily silence greeted his ears and it held more terror than the gunfire. He didn't look up, just held the baby up towards his face breathing in the smell of fragrant powder, knowing it would be his last opportunity. He looked into the face of his child, her big brown eyes staring back at him, not his eyes, definitely her mothers. He tore his vision away, swallowing, for all that he would miss in the years before they would meet again, but he had those memories of a bright, vivacious woman with dark hair and a caring streak he likened probably falsely to himself. They had connected pretty much the first time they met, in a way, he had with so few. Fury, Hill, Sitwell (damn him that was still incomprehensible and he had searched and searched through the files to try and find something that would suggest he was a double agent and found nothing), Romanov, May and Barton, they were his, even if he had lied to some of them in the name of duty, they were still his. So was this child on a level that outstripped all but Clint in feelings and very soon it would be time to give her up again, to a childhood she didn't deserve and he could do nothing about. 

When he finally looked up at the field of combat, it was empty apart from one lone man staggering, blood clearly running down his neck. Coulson recognised him from the file. 

It was all coming to pass.

The man was the one that Agent Avery and Lumley had found dead with the baby under the bridge. 

He looked back down at his child and ran his bloodied finger over her sweet face, he sighed heavily, he hadn't considered quite how hard handing her over was going to be. He took in his surroundings; Skye's saviour was making his way over to their concealed spot, he made a split second decision. This was hard enough without the stigma of a monster as a father if he could disappear there was less chance of it getting out. He crawled forward and gently situated the child into the dead agent's arms, she was already covered in blood, his blood. He placed a kiss upon her cheek and crawled away out of sight but watched as the injured man found her and picked her up, glancing around on alert the whole time, before lurching away with the most precious thing in Phil's world, cradled in his arms, knowing that the man wouldn't last the day out but he would deliver his child to a safety of sorts. 

The clatter of Raina's teacup being placed on the tray roused him from his own thoughts. 

"Weren't you tempted to take her with you?"

"No, never, she had a life to live. I know her childhood wasn't ideal, certainly not the one that I wanted for my own daughter, but I also knew she survived it and came out as an incredible human being," he said proudly.

They lapsed into silence. Raina made her way over to the famous window and looked out the small hole to see what fascinated him so when he stared out. She was expecting the hustle and bustle of a busy city but what she got was a back alley with a couple of overfull bins, the occasional rat running out from its shelter to forage and then back into the darkness. She found herself close to tears with the disappointment. 

She should have a list of questions to fire at him, but she felt as empty as the view below.

She turned back to him, and he was staring at her intently, probably waiting for the barrage of queries she would normal come up with after such an explanation. She turned briefly to look out of the window again and watched as a young couple ran around the corner and started kissing and laughing, bodies pushing into the brick of the building eagerly. She turned away again; it was almost more torturous than the emptiness, but it reminded her why she was here, and she walked swiftly over to the little wooden table. She was loath to do this, but he would want to know and she found herself desperate to leave the claustrophobic room. 

She handed him the folder, "I'm sorry," she said in hushed tones, watching as he looked up at her, eyes full of the misery he guessed he was about to unfold, he swallowed and closed his eyes, hesitating over opening the folder in his hands. She wanted to snatch it back. Tell him not to worry but it was too late, he flicked the card cover over with the back of his fingers as if he didn't want to touch it in case it contained evil. She didn't blame him.


	6. No one compares to you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It time for a road trip to see an old friend.

Part Six - No one compares to you.

Raina considered herself a strong independent woman that didn't get pushed, persuaded, or cajoled into doing things she didn't want too. And yet, as she pulled the crappy rental (crappy because he had told her 'nothing flashy, we don't want to get noticed') next to the sidewalk, she couldn't quite believe what she was doing. She had pulled in about two hundred yards down the road from the motel. She sat perfectly still, looking out the windscreen so she could see him approaching. It was as if this were a heist, all she needed to do was rev the engine a bit and wheel spin as they drove away, not that she actually knew how!

Her mind was full of the craziness that was sure to unfold today! She had hired this stupid car to start, which was a first. In fact, it was several years since she had even driven, so far she had just about managed to drive through the city, which was hellish, and she had vowed never to complain about cab drivers again. Now she was waiting, not exactly patiently, feeling completely antsy about the situation.

This was a bad idea on so many levels and let's face it, Reina had been involved in some spectacularly bad ideas in her time, and this was shaping up to be one of the worst. She to her eternal dismay had crumbled at his doleful look. It might have been the tears or the way he had gripped onto her hand for dear life as he asked. Damn the man!

Raina won't easily forget the moment she had handed him the folder that had contained everything she had managed to scrape together about Clint Barton over the last few months. She'd had to pull in a lot of favours to get that information; it wasn't publicly known, but it turned out the Avengers were every bit as sneaky and secretive as S.H.I.E.L.D had been in their day. They equally looked after their own, and the pictures showed a state of the art facility. 

***

It was a very thin folder, it contained mostly medical forms but also some photographs. She had watched and listened as Coulson had given out a pained moan the moment his eyes laid on the one. The photo showed a man lying in a high-dependency bed, a man Raina had barely recognised as part of commercial roller coaster that made up the Avengers. Hawkeye didn't parade around like some of the others, usually towards the back of the group so he wasn't as recognisable as the high-profile members, but his stature was unmistakably strong and vibrant, not like the man in the photo now. Coulson, she knew, would recognise him anywhere, had probably sat many a time by his hospital bed in the past, waiting for him to open his eyes. This time he wasn't opening them though, this time it was clear that he had been lying still too long. A sheet pulled up to bare shoulders the muscles and raw power hidden beneath. Tubes ran in and out of his body wherever flesh was visible, two strips of tape holding a breathing tube in place either side of his mouth, his eyes closed and hair flat. It seemed the hair was of particular upset as Coulson ran his thumb over the top of it gently, time and time again. 

"What happened?" He said in a hushed tone, a raw edge to the words.

"The official report said he fell down a staircase." He looked up at her disbelievingly. "I know," she said, "a rather big coincidence that he happened to fall down stairs at the same time HYDRA was on the move."

"He wouldn't allow himself just to get pushed? He is," he swallowed, "was too good for that." Never taking his eyes off the picture. Coulson finished with steel in his voice, "Something must have happened before he got dumped down a flight of steps."

She dipped her head slightly and acknowledged, "In all likelihood, yes." 

 

He started flicking through the rest of the information, his eyes scanning the pages quickly, it was, (had been, she corrected herself) an essential part of his job, assessing data rapidly. She noted the flinch when he read through the medical list of injuries, it was clear even to the untrained eye, even if Barton did wake up at some point in the future, he won't be walking again without a miracle. For once the moisture on Coulson's face wasn't blood.

She squeezed herself closer to the wall uncomfortable with Coulson's emotion swirling in the air, she queried, "You could take him back with you, couldn't you?"

"No," he answered decisively.

His response surprised her, "Wouldn't he been healed if he went back with you, like you are each time?"

"Yes," he voice cracked over the word, "he would."

She stepped forward, "So take him back with you."

"I can't," he cried out in frustration, he took a deep breath to calm himself and started again. "I can't take him anywhere without his consent."

She turned wide, disbelieving eyes on him, "Seriously, you would leave him like that," she tapped the photo he'd been looking at with her finger, making him wince, "because he can't say yes."

He grimaced, "It's not that simple, Raina, this isn't a Happy Ever After I'm living," he scowled down at the photo in his lap. "He might consider what I have to offer more hellish than what he has now," his voice low as he finished, already starting to look through the folder again," I won't do that to another human being."

It was only after he had been through the folder twice that he turned to her with determination in his eyes. She felt the need to step back, as she got a glimpse of what had made those under him jump to his every command. She was lost before he even asked for her help. 

***

He had told her to park away from the motel in case it was being watched, not for him, he hastened to add but because of the other unsavoury characters in residence, who took advantage of the 'no questions asked policy.' 

The real worry was that apart from the first time she had visited she hadn't been all that cautious herself. It was sloppy on her behalf, but then she considered that she had been visiting the place for months now, so there was either no one watching or they weren't interested in her. S.H.I.E.L.D for sure, had bigger issues right now, starting with, Raina imagined, a recruitment drive, and she wholeheartedly believed that Director Coulson would be a picky employer! 

Still, it did signify that she had gotten rather lacks in her own security. She should tighten that up. She jumped when the passenger side door opened and a male figure in dark blue pants and a blue hoody pulled up over his face got in and sat down in one swift movement, pulling the seat belt around himself and said, "Drive."

She stared for a moment or two at the intruder, before he turned and repeated, "Drive, Raina."

Turning the key and setting the box on wheels off on its journey, she glanced across at her passenger she couldn't help asking, "How did you do that? I've been watching that place for the last quarter of an hour and no one's come out that front door. I know for a fact that the back exit is chained up with multiple padlocks, because I looked. God help you all if there was a fire." He turned briefly in her direction so she could see his face, his smirking face. "You were already outside, weren't you?" 

"No." He looked out the window watching the world go by, with an oddly wide-eyed expression, "I didn't get to be Director of S.H.I.E.L.D by exam results you know, I do have some skills in the field." 

Raina laughed, as he turned and scowled at her, "I find it oddly reassuring that you get irritated with being labelled the mild-mannered accountant."

He pursed his lips with amusement, "Anyone labelling me that usually doesn't get to label anything ever again after meeting me... I can't complain I have used that persona for years to get exactly where I wanted to be."

"You are a very dangerous man to know, Coulson."

"I'm a very useful man to know, Raina," he looked squarely at her, he really only needed a pair of half glasses to peer over the top of to perfect the headmaster look he sent her way, "and if you are on the side of good, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh, how very altruistic of you, did you read superhero comics as a boy by any chance."

He grunted, "Did you read that in my file too?"

"I didn't see your file, it was the Clairvoyant that told me everything." 

He sent her a dark look, so she bit back, "You know, the Clairvoyant that turned out to be an upstanding member of S.H.I.E.L.D, the organisation you worked for that turned out to be nothing but a front for the biggest bunch of criminals ever assembled." 

He turned his head away staring out the side window, "We did good work," he mumbled petulantly. 

She felt an intriguing mix of satisfied and disappointed in herself at his response. She wanted to antagonise and comfort at the same time. 

They sat in silence for a long time; the trip was going to take a couple of hours, and they were at least halfway through before he spoke again without turning, "How much further?" 

"About 45 minutes," she answered, glancing across at him. He had his arms crossed tightly to his chest, hands gripped in his armpits, the jacket bulged out above his arms where he had drawn the zip down half way. She could have laughed as she saw the white dress shirt and tie showing underneath the hooded jacket. She probably would have said something if the shirt hadn't been stained blood red, more so than she had ever seen before, she could visualise what was under it, he kept his head down, the hood drawn down disguising his face. 

"Are you all right?" She asked in concern.

"Fine," his answer strained with the obvious lie.

"I don't think we should be doing..."

He stopped her mid sentence crossly, "It's fine, just get a move on." 

The evening was drawing in and she had to turn the car headlights on, driving in the dark was another unpleasantness for her, she had no desire to repeat this outing anytime in the near or distance future. 

She winced as she caught a glimpse of his face reflected in the passenger door window. Even now after all the times she had witnessed it, it made her breath catch in her throat, to see him reduced to this.

She broached the subject that had been worrying her gently, "I have to admit I don't understand why you would want to do this, wouldn't it be better to remember him as he was?"

"No," he answered shortly.

She tried again softly, "I'm not trying to stop you, but if you refuse to take him back with you..."

He interrupted her again, "I told you I can't do that," his tone touching on irritated, "I just need to see him for myself, that's all," he said wistfully, "one last time, say my goodbyes, make sure..." His voice faulted over the last words, "there are too many lies. Everybody lies."

Raina doesn't quite know what to say to that, after all she hadn't really know him before. Sure she knew that S.H.I.E.L.D hadn't told him the truth about his death, but she guessed there was more to that statement than one period in his life.

Lost in her musing she almost missed him muttering under his breath, "Even me."

She turned briefly away from the road, but he was staring out the window again. He seemed mesmerised as if he hadn't seen scenery like it in years. He probably hadn't. It would be poetic if he didn't have the most miserable expression on his broken, battered face mirrored in the window. But then going on a road trip to visit someone in a coma couldn't be classed as enjoyable even for her.

It wasn't long before they were drawing near to their destination; she dropped him off in the extensive grounds, waiting until he had limped into some cover. They had studied the plans for the facility and although exclusive it wasn't high on security, their goal to simply smuggle him in via the back door! They were aided by the fact that Barton's suite was only a few doors up from it, Coulson should be able to slip in unnoticed and find his target easily. 

Raina had done her homework, she knew exactly where she needed to head. There was nothing like striding out purposely and with confidence to stop anyone enquiring about your intentions. She waltzed past the reception area as if she belonged there. She headed straight for their rendezvous point. It was a vast place, she needed to stay focused to find the right corridors without raising suspicion. The door to this side of the building was a fire exit and she quickly cut the alarm system as Coulson had shown her, it would show up as an error but not trigger anything. As planned, he met her at the door, and she closed it behind them.

The fear now was that someone would spot the pair of them, and Coulson huddled in a hoody was something that was unlikely to go unnoticed. She was eternally grateful that he wouldn't need to return with her in the car as she watched his hunched over form shuffle along the corridor. He could luckily disappear back to... Where ever the hell he went, she had no idea, she wasn't even sure that involved a physical body as such or something more transcendental. She had asked, of course, somewhat audaciously why he couldn't simply float his own way here and cut the ridiculous long car journey out. His reply had been equally sarcastic as he tried to explain that he didn't have built in GPS, yes, once he had visited somewhere he could get back to it. He could, he admitted roughly calculate a destination, so yes USA, New York State, but Manhattan downtown bus route not so much. She had quipped back that she thought he wasn't trying hard enough, after all if he could control whole planets and stop them bouncing off one another like an executive desk toy he could surely find his way to Murray's Cheese Shop without ordering a taxi. He'd laughed and muttered of course he could find it, he'd been there before, many times, he liked cheese, a lot!

They stopped outside Barton's door, Raina's hand on the handle waiting for him to indicate she should open it. He lifted his head, and she could see the myriad of emotions flowing through his eyes, the eyes of Phil Coulson, the disfigured face of what would be traditional thought of as evil. This man was anything but evil. His head dropped again, nodding curtly, as if he knew what she was thinking.

As she pushed the handle down, a figure walked round the corner into the corridor at the far end, without investigating further she quickly pulled the hooded figure next to her in through the open doorway and shut the door swiftly whined her.

She started to turn into the room as a voice boomed out and the man next to her whimpered without looking up, "Who the hell are you?" 

Raina's eyes snapped up in surprise a soft, "Oh," came out as more of a breath than a word. She turned startled eyes first to Coulson, but his face was hidden, his body screamed tension though, hands tightly fisted and shoulders stiff.

"Obi Wan Kenobi there, needs to take that hood down before I do something about it." The man threatened from across the room. 

She tried to muster up confidence in her voice as she said, "I'm sorry we seem to have stumbled into the wrong room." She slapped a false smile on her face as she apologised to the wheel bound figure. A wheel bound figure that was very much awake and not in a coma! 

Raina felt Coulson behind her take a small step backwards towards the door as if he were ready to flee. She didn't blame him, in fact, she would be right behind.

Barton's eyes squeezed slightly as if he was concentrating hard, but he wasn't looking at her, his eyes were fixed on the hooded figure. She had a moment of panic that he would recognise him, so blurted out, "Sorry to have disturbed you," she made to turn away but the archer's voice stopped her with dread.

"I don't think so lady, I can't remember your name but I'm damned sure that S.H.I.E.L.D had an interest in you, I've seen your mug shot in files and right below it came the word 'Wanted'." 

She moved toward Barton slowly, it left Coulson exposed but she needed to do some fast talking here or they were in serious trouble. "I'm sorry but I think you must be mistaking me for..." 

A few things happened in a matter of seconds. Barton's eye slid from hers over to the standing figure by the door that happened to be reaching for the handle, exposing the bloodied mess of his skin. 

"What the fuck..." Clint gasped as he saw the blood, his thumb smoothly flipping a switch on his chair and the unmistakable sound of the door locking could be heard. Coulson looked up in surprise at the sound and part of his face became visible just for a moment, they stared at each other. From the distance the two were apart Raina could tell that the former Avenger didn't recognise his former friend. To be fair she wouldn't have as he looked now, Barton hissed, "Jesus Christ," his voice horror-stricken, Raina saw Coulson drop his head, and make a move towards the window. 

So much for it being an unsecured facility. Barton seemed to have all the toys at his disposal and even with his head held in place and only limited movement in his arms it's obvious just who his friends were. Another switch was hit, and the whole side of Barton's chair opened up to become some amazingly complicated crossbow arrangement and without warning two bolts flew out of the mechanism. Raina cried out as the bolts hit true, it seemed that Hawkeye really never did miss, even when he was paralysed.

Her eyes tracked down to the bolts, blood already oozing across fabric. 

She stumbled forward, falling to her knees, as her companion slid down against the wall with a faint gasp, the hood falling back exposing his face, eyes closed, limbs limp, "Coulson," she wept, slipping her hand up to rest against his bloodied cheek. The other hand hovered over the two bolts that stuck out of his chest. "Coulson, please open your eyes, please," she found herself begging.

"What the fuck, Don't try and fucking play with me, Phil Coulson is long dead," Barton's voice bellowed bitterly from behind Raina, the electric wheelchair moving up closer but not close enough to put himself in danger.

She ignored him, "Coulson, come on," she let out a relieved breath when the man in front of her fluttered his eyes open. They flicked from hers to the man behind, then lowering before coming back to hers. He took a deep breath and moaned at the action, bending his left leg up slightly as if he wanted to cradle it up to his body but not having the energy. 

She heard a deep breath being drawn from behind her, and a whispered, "No."

She ignored it and smiled a watery grin at the man in front of her, "Hey there you are." She leant forward as he tried to talk.

"I'm sorry, Raina," he gasped. Raina looked worryingly at him, scared by his words. As he started again it became clear, "I'm sorry, I have to leave you here," blood bubbled up on his lips as he spoke, "I have to go now, or it will be too late."

She nodded her head, "Will you be okay?" She asked glancing down at his chest. Moving forward again as his words got fainter.

He nodded slightly, "I'll be fine, you need to find a way out on your own, I'm sorry I brought you into this," he whispered in her ear.

She pulled back to look at him in the face, she glanced back with disdain, "Don't worry I'll get out of here."

He reached forward blindly with his hand grasping her arm, she moved it down to grip her hand tightly ignoring the blood that leached up between her fingers.

"Don't blame him, Raina, please, don't do anything... I lov..." He moaned in pain, "I have to..." He let go of her hand, she nodded and moved back away from him. 

"You'll be back?" She pleaded.

He nodded his head again before he started to disappear. She watched until he was gone, and took a deep breath before turning viciously to face the man that they had come to see.

"What the fuck is going on," Barton blurted out angrily, as she faced him. 

"You just shot a good man," she hissed back. "He wasn't going to hurt you."

Barton backed his wheelchair away from her, "I didn't know that," he said looking stricken for a moment before his face hardened, "You better start talking fast because I would recognise those fucking eyes anywhere, and they are the eyes of a dead man. I've learnt to believe in all types of spooky crap, but zombies are a step too far," with a click of a switch the crossbow reloaded in a flash, the threat obvious. "So you better not be about to tell me that you turned Phil Coulson into one."


	7. Loving you forever can't be wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complete.

Raina looked back down the empty corridor and took a deep breath. She knocked and entered quickly without waiting for the door to click shut behind her. 

Coulson stood in the middle of the room, looking absolutely pristine in a grey suit and tie: he looked tired though, and his skin was greyer more translucent than she had witnessed before, the lines around his eyes more pinched, the area beneath them darker. Still Raina's eyes filled with tears at the sight. He smiled self-consciously at her and held out his hands to her. She immediately went to him, and he pulled her into a tight hug. She gripped hard onto the fabric of his suit, her head resting protected on his shoulder. He pushed her to arm's length after a moment to speak to her, "How did you get away?" 

"I..." She hesitated for a second, her eyes darting away in guilt.

It wasn't long before another voice cut across the room, "She didn't."

Coulson's eyes snapped up to met the voice.

Clint Barton stood in the doorway. He looked just as pale as Coulson, his face sharper than in the publicity flyers she had seen on the side of buildings, in magazines, on the television, it seemed no matter where you turned, the Avengers came piling out at you.

He was standing though, which was more than last time Coulson had seen him. The former Director of S.H.I.E.L.D looked up and down at the man as if trying to work out how. Barton, himself stared equally hard at his long dead friend, drinking in the sight in disbelief. It had taken Raina a long time to try and explain the situation to Barton, under threat, she might add. It wasn't until she tried to clarify what was happening that she realised that she didn't have many facts; Coulson hadn't been over generous with the explanations. It had worked though to get her out of the situation without the heavy clunk of jailer's keys. But it had come at the price of betraying the man in front of her but he had left her in a position where she had little other choice. It was clear he had doubted the fact that Phil Coulson would be whole and unmarked the next time he saw him if he got there early enough.

"Fuck, Phil," he breathed unabashedly staring.

"Clint," he answered, eyes wide in disbelief.

"I'm sorry; it was the only way," Raina apologised; she watched like a spectator at a tennis match from one end to the other. Coulson gave her a brief frown before turning his attention back to the man still standing in the doorway. Barton reached up to the door frame and used his arms to start swinging his leg up and into motion, a whirling mechanical sound could be heard as he moved towards the pair slowly and awkwardly, eyes never leaving his former handler.

Coulson's eyes bulged, and he whispered, "Deathlok?" 

Barton smirked, "Similar, although I'm sure that Tony would insist that his technology outstrips anyone else's. I'm not very steady on them yet, but these babies," Clint knocked his fist on his legs with a dull thud, "aren't permanently fixed," he laughed as he gibed, "so chances of me turning evil are minimal apparently."

He drew up to stand in front of Phil, and Raina moved away watching the two interestedly. 

"Although," he said as he swung his arm up quickly, his fist bunched in line with Coulson face, the punch would have surely sent him flying, but Raina's startle call intermixed with Phil's hand racing up to catch Clint's fist in his palm.

"You always did telegraph that move, Clint," Coulson said dryly.

"You bastard, you were alive all that time and you didn't get in touch." Clint was too quick this time and on legs that had appeared stiff and uncoordinated a few seconds ago he spun and outstretched a leg taking Coulson's legs straight out from under him and sending his body thundering to the ground with a crash. “You're an utter shit, Coulson," he commented standing over him.

"You have been dipping into my fucking DVD collection again haven't you, all you need is a walking cane and top hat," Coulson grumbled, moaning as he shifted on his backside. 

Barton pulled a 'whatever' face and sang, "There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination."

"I knew it," Coulson sighed, "no doubt you warbled your way through. I wondered what happened to them all."

"Apart from Wonker, The Wizard of Oz and High Society, the rest is crap. I gave them away with the rest of your shit, you jerk. I should have realised you weren't fucking dead when your beloved Stevie collection wasn't part of your crappy stuff that got handed over in a S.H.I.E.L.D issue cardboard box. No fucking car keys to 'precious' either." Barton looked down at the frowning man, the car jibes always hit home; he probably would have laughed if he hadn't been so obviously furious. "And don't," he punctuated the words with a jab of his finger in Coulson's direction, "think you can get round me, you asshole, by trying to divert my attention away from the fact you are the biggest fucking liar on the planet..."

"Universe," Raina piped up.

"Huh?" Barton's head turned and frowned at her.

"Well, he is Mister Universe now, so planets are a little small fry for him," she shrugged.

Barton took a second looking at her, his eyebrows flicking up, a smirk trying to break out, before he regained control of his lips and turned back to glare at the man in front of him. Coulson sent his own angry glance over to Raina, who shrugged her shoulders in enjoyment, "Right," Barton responded, "the biggest fucking liar in the universe, by tapping into my innermost love of musicals. Douche bag!"

"I'm sorry," Phil said seriously, "I..." He swallowed as he looked up guiltily, "it was months before I was even coherent, they..." He swallowed again looking down at the floor, shaking his head, "it doesn't matter, I should have insisted that you were told but Fury, he kept telling me..."

"Sure let's blame Fury," Clint waved his hands in the air, "he can't answer back anymore." 

Phil raised his eyebrows at him in surprise, "Why?" Phil questioned.

Clint swallowed, "You know he is dead, right?"

"So was I," Coulson muttered looking away.

Clint threw his arms up and turned and walked away, "Aw fuck, what is it with you lot? You think it's amusing to treat people like this, I thought we had more than that Phil?"

"We did; we do, Clint, if I could have gotten to you..."

"Fine," Barton walked back to stand in front of him, and sighed" I can accept, well, Raina told me a few things that they did to you," he admitted grimacing at the thought.

The man on the floor eyes looked up hopefully.

Clint grumbled under his breath, or it could have been his teeth grinding Raina wasn't sure.

"When you got the Bus, you should have come though; no one had your hands tied then," he looked dispassionately down at the man still sat on the floor, who looked crestfallen and guilty once again. 

"I know, it's unforgivable but I couldn't trust myself Clint, I wasn't sure about my memories, I couldn't be certain about anything. I wasn't fit to be in your company."

Raina moved herself into the corner out of the eye shot of the two men. She supposed she should leave the room but human interaction was just so fascinating, and these two were putting on such a good show. 

She noticed Barton shake his head in denial at Coulson's words. 

Raina had spent a lifetime watching people, studying their movement, and facial tells, mostly so she didn't let any through herself. Her facade had slipped more with Coulson in this intimate little room and the rather disastrous road trip they had taken last time than it had in her entire adult life. Coulson face was, open, easy to read, oh, out on the job he had his 'Agent' face, the famous bland expression, but even that wouldn't hold under extreme pressure. It didn't mean he lost control though; it was almost like something had to give, his face because his pressure value and he channelled his frustration into that. Raina had never met him before New York and his stabbing. She'd heard that he was different now, her only recent connections with that time were the rebel S.H.I.E.L.D agents Ward and Garrett. Ward, who hadn't known him either but knew of his reputation and Garrett, whose language had been oddly fond and colourful of the man. 

You would have to be blind not to be able to read him now. 

The eyes always held all the answers of course, and that was why she tried to keep hers wide and innocent: Coulson's were blown and imploring. Regret and guilt oozing out of them much like the blood that usually slipped from his skin, but it was too early in the day for that. He looked like the handsome man he was now, the one that had made Barton inhale sharply and stare admiringly as he walked in, the one that was out there somewhere fighting the good fight. All the while changing, evolving into the being now sitting on the dusty floor, scared of losing something he never quite had and lonely enough to risk trusting her. Evolution was funny like that.

"You don't understand," Coulson muttered, staring at the floor, sounding more unsure of himself than she had ever heard. 

"Then tell me," Barton said shoving his hands in his pockets with frustration to stop them flying round.

"I was compromised ever since I came back," he lifted his head to meet Barton's eye, "if it were you, would you want Natasha in the middle of that?"

"No," Barton sighed with understanding. "No I wouldn't, but you and me..."

"You and me, what?" Coulson shook his head, "you and me denied ourselves because we thought our jobs were more important. Well, news flash Clint, the world is still turning, and neither of us is saving the world for S.H.I.E.L.D or the Avengers now are we?" 

"Technically you are still doing your..." Raina didn't finish the sentence when Coulson's hand shot out in her direction with one finger outstretched in warning. She pouted and leaned further back on the wall, she didn't enjoy being ignored even if this was rather entertaining, muttering that he was 'keeping the world turning too.'

Clint held out his arms in an obvious offer to help Phil up; Coulson looked a little unsurely at the man with his arms out, his eyes raking over the legs that hadn't worked last time he saw him.

"It's okay, I really was only playing with you, I can pretty much tap dance like Fred Astaire with these babies. I can also do my job so, technically," he bowed slightly at Raina, in amusement, "we would seem to both still be doing are jobs." 

"Oh," Phil looked disappointed for a second before he schooled his features, "that's...good, that's great Clint," he smiled at smile that didn't reach his eyes. He grabbed hold of the offered hands and between them they hauled him to his feet. When Barton didn't immediately let go of his hands, Phil quickly tracked his eyes down to where the other man was looking, and snatching his hands back, as a jagged rip opened up across the skin. 

"Sorry," Phil mumbled stalking away.

"Raina told me what would happen." Clint said his voice still slightly shocked, as his eyes slid down with sickening fascination to the weeping hand.

Coulson gripped tight onto the back of the chair facing away from them both. "It was good seeing you, Clint."

Barton glanced over at Raina who looked equally puzzled by the dismissive tone in the older man's voice.

"Phil?"

Coulson turned with a smile plastered on his face, but the hand on the chair was still torturing the fabric with its grip, "I'm really proud of you, Clint, you've battled back like you always do. I hope you continue to make such good progress. The Avengers are lucky to have you." 

"Ah, thanks boss."

"I'm not your boss anymore, Clint," Phil answered solemnly.

"No you're not," Clint took a hesitate step forward, hands not quite reaching out, "which is why I'm here, this is our chance now."

Coulson shook his head, "It's too late," he smiled mockingly, "you know long distance relationships never work." He looked away from them both, "besides I'm not coming back this time."

Raina's eyes bulged at the revelation, but she kept her silence. 

Barton took slow steps forward, these ones not so hesitant, his posture straighter, determined, angry again, "You have got to be fucking with me, you turn up, send my world spiralling again and what now, you're just going to piss off to the land of," he waved his hands around angrily, his eyes piercing into the guilty ones across the ever decreasing space, "fucking nod or wherever the fuck you claim to go. Oh no," he shook his head vehemently, as he squared up to man pushing into his space, staring him down. "You ain't just going to leave me hanging here, not again Coulson!" 

"And what would you have me do, Clint?" Phil's voice not much more than a sad breath whispered into Clint ear.

It was angry, and vicious, and bruising and wet. It demanded more than thrilled, it elicited a tiny squeak out of the woman watching, and it was returned with none of anger or demand but with the feelings of a desperate lonely man, until that man pushed away from the kiss, with a despairing cry, "Don't please, please don't."

Raina swallowed, she had heard that tone before, she had caused that sound before, 'please let me die, let me die, let me die'. 

Coulson had managed to shove the stronger man away from himself and had backed himself into the corner near the window, bent over as if he were winded, taking gulps of air as if Clint Barton had sucked every last drop of air from his lungs. 

"Oh shit, no Phil, fuck, I'm sorry, I thought we were... I thought," his words jumbled out, "I didn't, I wouldn't force... FUCK!" Clint wiped at his face furiously.

Raina watched like a silent statue, scared to move in case she was noticed, the real life soap opera played out in front of her making her want to reach out to both of them. Barton - who she could see was clearly crying now - she hadn't known long; he been decent to her, he could have easily turned her over to the authorities and Coulson: Coulson had fundamentally changed her, in ways she wasn't even ready to admit to herself. 

The man in question was straightening looking across at the younger man as he rubbed at his face, Coulson's face crumpled in on its self as he watched, "No, Clint, no, never that." He made his way back over to him and pulled him into his arms.

Clint immediately wrapped his arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder, "I've missed you so much."

"I'm so sorry, Clint," he pulled back a fraction and looked into Clint's tear lined eyes. "I'm sorry, but I can't offer you anything, I can't keep coming back, it takes too much," he sighed wearily, "there are things going on just in this galaxy that are becoming harder and harder to control, I need to focus on that and the power it takes to..."

"Magically appear in a cloud of smoke," Clint tried to find some humour.

"Yes, something like that," Phil returned with his own watery smile. He raised his hand, his palm resting on Clint's face, the archer leaning into the hand like a cat seeking fuss. His body unconsciously tilting towards the touch. 

"I don't want you to go, Phil. I love you, I always have."

Coulson pulled him back into a hug, his eyes closing slowly, the hand that had caressed Clint's face coming round to weave his fingers into the short hair at the back of Barton head. 

Clint sighed and sadly said, "But you don't feel the same, I understand."

Phil jerked back, "What, no, god, no, that's not... I backed away because I can't bear to have come so close to having you," he stared down at Clint's full lips, licking his unconsciously, "to have to walk away will be insufferable, do you understand?" Phil's hand came up once again to touch Clint's face, fingers skirting over his cheek, rubbing across his brow into the hair at his temples. 

Clint's hand came up to wrap around Phil’s, pulling it away from his face, kissing the knuckles, "Take me with you, I know you can, Raina told me."

Raina could almost feel the angry glare even though she had turning away from the intimate scene.

"No, Clint."

"Why not?" 

"Because you have too much going for you here. Look at you, you've bounced back from something that should surely have killed you."

"Yes look at me, I'm paralysed, that's what I am, and in constant pain."

"With your..." Phil gestured to his legs, "adaptation you’re far from that."

"Jeez, Coulson, I can wear these things for four hours at a stretch if I push it and then I'm ready to scream the planet down, but," he took a steadying breath, "my injuries don't matter one way or the other, what I want does, and that is to be with you."

"It's not that simple, Clint, this isn't a holiday, it's unlikely that you would be able to come back, I have no idea how long it will go on for... It's lonely and isolating. You’re not that type of man."

Clint countered, "Will we be together?"

“Yes."

"Will I be able to touch you?"

"Yes but..."

"Taste you?"

Coulson gulped and nodded.

"Live out whatever life we have together?"

"Yes." Phil whispered.

"Raina told me about this, I have been thinking about it. It’s not out of the blue... I'm tired, Phil, I've fought all my life, is it so wrong to want something for myself."

"No, of course not, but the price is too high, the isolation, the eternity of it. For all you know, I might drive you crazy?" He said seriously.

"Oh yeah," Clint smirked, "I'm kind of hoping for that."

Phil ignored the innuendo, "This..."

"This is right," Clint interrupted, "you and me. It's always been, boss. Please don't do what everybody else has always done to me." He pleaded.

Phil obviously understanding said, "I'm not your parents or Barney, Clint, if I could find a way…”

"There is a way, and even if I were standing here completely able-bodied, I would still be asking the same of you. You have no idea how empty my life has been without you, shit even Nat got fed up with me and pounced off with your dream boy!"

"Clint.."

"Can I help you with your work?" Clint tried a different tack. "If I came with you, could I help."

Phil thought for a moment, "Probably, yes I think you..."

"Then let me take some of the weight," Clint ran his hands along the fine fabric on Phil's shoulders, "off of you. We can be a team again, what do you say?"

"I..."

"I love you, I want to spend every waking moment with you... we do get to sleep right?" He asked spoiling the earlier words.

"Of course."

"Good," he smiled, "I'm looking forward to that!" 

"Clint," Phil said tiredly.

"I... Want... To! I've already put my affairs in order, everything is set, you just have to tell me, that you want me too, that's all, Phil, that's all. Say it please."

Raina couldn't help but peer across to see the answer, she felt overwhelmingly despondent when Coulson, shook his head and looked to the floor before saying, "I'm sorry, I feel so guilty but..." After all this she couldn't believe it and neither could Barton obviously because he took a staggering step back as if he had been hit, shaking his head, his mouth opening but no words coming out. She observed as Coulson step forward, his hands once again seeking the young man this time to grip onto the tight tee shirt that barely stretched across the muscle of his chest, "Wait! I'm so selfish, but I want that too, so much, I want it more than life itself and it’s not fair to you to take you away from your life, but god I want to so much. I want to wake up to you next to me for all eternity. But are you really sure, Clint?"

Clint gasped, "Fuck yes, yes, yes, yes."

Raina felt like a voyeur as this time when they kissed it was slow and lingering, an exchange of vows in the corporeal form, small puffs of sound coming from each man with the perfection of it. She imagined in horror at her own thoughts especially as they weren’t as negative about the idea as they should be, tongues mingling, stroking, searching not for domination but to find their way home at long last. 

Clint pulled back dreamily, "Should I have packed a suitcase?"

"Ah, no, that won't be necessary," Phil ticked his cheek up, "it's more of a thought thing."

"Fuck we’re screwed then, if you are relying on my thoughts."

"Don't do that, Clint, you are one of the most intelligent and clever people I have ever met, and I'd pick you every time." Coulson said seriously.

Clint snickered, and teased, "I think you made a mistake on that dating website you found me on, are you sure you clicked on the intelligentsia page and not the genitalia page?"

Phil chuckled, "Nuts... do you think? There were pictures, did you," Phil waved his hand across Clint's crotch, "pose?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Raina cleared her throat loudly.

Phil turned red and Clint laughed out loud. Grabbed Phil's hand and turned to Raina. "I'm terribly sorry, Raina, Phil just gets a little testy when I say I'm a dick or I drop the ball, he can be hard on me, like a dog with a bone."

Coulson sighed, a happy tone to it, "Clint, stop. Pay no attention to him, Raina, he’s just... yanking your chain."

Raina watched in horror as both men burst into fits of giggles, it was terrifying to see what the power of infatuation did to people. 

Coulson regained some dignity and stepped forward; he took her hands in his, and brought one to his lips kissing it, "Thank you, Raina, I can't tell you what pleasure you have brought to me, his head turned briefly to look back at Clint, who smiled. "I have to leave you now, I... We..." He smiled, "won't be returning. Well, I doubt it anyway," he said after some thought.

Raina's job was done, she knew, but it would still be hard to walk away from this, she was still in the dark as to why he had chosen her to help him with his quest to find the love of his life. She wasn't walking away with a financial gain, or any profit for herself at all, but she was, as cliched as it sounded walking away a better person for the experience. In all honesty there had been no one that had influenced her in any way that had been nice before and maybe her balance between good and … what would she call it, not evil in the normal sense, some would see her behaviour as such for sure but she just wanted to advance mankind, even if it meant that mankind had to suffer for it, she wasn't prepared to examine that to closely, not anymore, not since she started coming here. So it seemed that she had been swayed since this had all started, only time would tell how much. 

Coulson smiled sadly at her, looking directly into her eyes, and said as if reading her thoughts, "On one of the first occasions that we met here you told me something that had been said to you, Raina." He brought his hand up to grip her shoulder, "But Garrett was wrong, when he said that you would be a monster." His eyes drifted away to the floor for a second before returning, and remarking strongly, "Maybe if he was standing here right now that would be true. He would have made you so, but he’s not," his hand tightened, "he's not, he's long gone. He smiled at her, "I can tell you, you are going to be so much more, you have so much to give." He pulled her into a hug and divulged, "That is all you have to remember, my child, you have to give and not always take. You'll understand soon enough Raina, why I choose you, why we meet here in this pit," he stepped away from her, looking round the room almost fondly. When he turned back, his eyes held a plea in them, "Make sure you say yes," he remarked without explanation, "It's a funny old world, and it's all connected." He reached back and grabbed Clint's hand pulling him to stand next to him, "goodbye Raina," he whispered as he and Barton started to fade away, leaving only the echo of his voice, "It's all connected."

She stepped forward, too late, and she gasped out, "Goodbye," to an empty room. She walked over to his window with the little peephole, it was already becoming nearly as grimy as the rest of the pane. Looking out she could imagine Coulson and Barton, rushing round the corner, pushing each other against the wall and kissing just like the couple that she has spotted the first time she looked down at the scene below. Job done... But how she would miss him! She sighed and smoothed her dress down across her hips; that was the only trouble with silk, she thought. As she left the room, she ran her fingers over the back of his chair, closed her eyes for a second and opened the door in one smooth motion, time to move on.

"Stand still, and put your hands clearly in the air." 

Raina stood surprised at the voice, following the instructions to the letter, she'd never been a fighter and when surrounded by guns all pointing at her she had little choice. With a nod of the head from the speaker, a woman pushed forward and patted her down, "Surely you don't think I have anything concealed in this, Agent May?" she drawled. 

"Raina we have long learned it best to be safe rather than sorry with you," the man stepped forward at some invisible signal from his second. 

"Agent Coulson, oh sorry, I should say Director Coulson, shouldn't I? News travels fast in these parts."

"Yes," Coulson looked around with distaste, "you bring us to the nicest places."

She shrugged her shoulders, "Funding problems," she smiled sweetly.

"I imagine," he looked past her into the open room, "are you alone? It looked like you had a stalker a little way behind you." He turned and with another nod a young black man raised his gun and entered the small room.

"Replacement for Ward?" She asked innocently.

"It's clear," the voice rebounded behind her. 

"Have you been watching me, Director?" 

"For a few days."

She snorted, "I guess I might have been the unsavoury type you were watching for all along."

Coulson looked a little perplexed at the words, and he said pleasantly, "What have you been up to since we last met, Raina."

"Oh, you wouldn't believe me if I told you, although..." She looked hard at Coulson, "you might. But a girl doesn't kiss and tell." A broad grin spread across her face, "Only today I've got to hang around with the undead."

Coulson frowned but then smiled with understanding, "Are you talking about me again?"

"Funny you should say that." 

Coulson sighed, "I'm rebuilding S.H.I.E.L.D again, Raina.

She looked round at the band around her, "You're starting small," she lifted her brow teasing.

"It's coming together rather nicely, We've found a good number of assets and we have hunted down quite a few of the criminals Garrett let free."

"And now you have little old me," she smiled sweetly then pouted. "I've got to say I'm a little disappointed I wasn't higher on your criminal mastermind list though." 

"Oh," he smirked, "you aren't on my criminal mastermind list at all. It's met with some resistance," he glanced over at May, "but I have a feeling about you, you rather remind me of someone I used to know, he didn't have the best start in life either," he frowned in thought before refocusing, "I'd like to make you an offer you shouldn't refuse."

She smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Go on tell me...


End file.
